Break
ups are usually messy. Your book doesn't talk about all of the
tug-of-wars that happen after dissolution. (Getting back together over
and over, trying to be "friends", jealousy when you see them with
someone new, etc.) During this time, it's difficult to know when the
relationship is completely over and it's time to move on. Share with us
your thoughts and experiences on this whole "after the dissolution"
phase. How do you know when it's REALLY over? When do you stop trying to
rekindle the fire? When do you know that you're ready to move on?
After breaking up being "just friends" is definitly possible but surely isnt easy. It's hard to forget those feelings you once had, and just as difficult just to make eye contact with that one person you had invested so much time and emotion into.
ReplyDeleteFor me as time passed by I felt it was always easier to focus on the things that made me most happy. By breaking out of the shell I had built around myself while i was unhappy I managed to find the joys i once knew when i was single. It wasnt until i was truly happy on my own that i could let go move on forward, then slllooowwwlllyy begin to build a new type of relationship... a friendship...
Moving on made me a happier person, with a new sense of direction.
From my own experience sometimes its hard for me to be the one to end the relationship. I believe its really over once you lose communication with your other and neither one of yall really want to put the effort into fixing anything. Honestly its time to stop when you believe it would be easier to get over eachother rather than to fix the relationship. When it comes to me i know i am ready to move on once i start to have any feelings for someone else, which takes a while.
ReplyDeleteI've never been the one to end the relationship, I'm usually the "dumped". Stupidly, I have always fought for the other person to be in the relationship because I couldn't understand why they would want to just end things out of the blue. I found it easier to just take in the fact that it was over (after having a monumental amount of heartbreak over the reasons why) and have always thought to myself that it is impossible at first to just be friends with your ex.I say this mostly from the dumped standpoint, You wouldn't be able to mostly because if your the one who was dumped and therefore have way too much feelings for the other person making it emotionally distressing to go through that. I usually tend to take a break from dating to try and just forget about them by taking up new hobbys or trying new activities but most importantly trying to boost my own self esteem up to be positive. You gotta love yourself again before you love someone else.
ReplyDeleteAfter a break up, staying friends is my first goal. So far it has worked out pretty well and personally it helps me move on faster than not communicating at all. I never really am the one to break up with someone cause i simply don't now how. Instead of going out and getting 'faded' after a break up I'll usually play baseball or exercise to get my mind off things. find a beneficial way to get your mind away from it all and set goals and become a better you.
ReplyDeleteJack Daniels.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experiences I believe that we all reach to a point were we know it's time to move on!! Family, friends, and even strangers would tell me over and over again that it was time for me to open my eyes and realize that our "relationship" was going nowhere. But it wasn't enough for me, I had to see it for myself to really end it. With my ex boyfriend our relationship was going down hill since the moment I told him I was moving to San Antonio after graduation from high school, we thought that we could work it out and have a good long distance relationship, deep down I knew it was not going to work out. We started to fight more and he would spend most of the time begging me not to leave, it wasn't till I found out he had another girlfriend when I finally ended it!
ReplyDeleteBreakups are tough, but you get over them. Its not the end of the world, your going to find someone else along the way later on. Once you do break up you can move along and focus on yourself, do things that you couldn't when you were in a relationship. When you do that maybe your going to meet someone else who does the same thing as you and likes the same things as you. But you have to be over your X first, completely, 100%. No if, ands, or buts, you have to be ok that your not with them to be able to move on. It takes time, and you may not want that, but you have to.
ReplyDeletei have only really been through one break up that mattered, and it wasnt even a seriously relationship yet. But none the less moving on is going to be a variable for everyone and what can change this variable is not only who we are but what actions each person has taken. So it all just depends, i personally have a hard time closing books with people, granted the reason i dont talk to people again or try to rekindle is because i dont expect much for must individuals i have been involved with. I think more cases then not it is better to move on because i my experience most dating people are playing games, dont know what they want, and it really isn't worth the time or effort.
ReplyDeleteAnd then what Greg said "jack Daniels"
After you break up and then they cry and make you feel terrible so you try it again. Yet this time that feeling to break up was stronger than it was before.
ReplyDeleteNow I think I'm ready for a more elaborate response. Wasn't able to before. I was in one of "those" moods again (Agape's know what I'm talking about)
ReplyDeleteWell anyway, I've only been in one real relationship. Multiple breakups. Not the way I would've preferred it, but we needed our breaks. It was a match made in Hell. She demanded too much out of me, nothing I did was ever good enough for her, and she always found ways to make me feel like crap. I was the one who broke it off the last time. Why the hell would she care, right? She seemingly hated everything about me. In the beginning, she lifted my spirits by being the first one to tell me no one was better; In the end, she convinced me that was far from the truth. But she was still distraught from the split.
I'd rather be lonely than be a bitch's chew toy.
For some odd reason, I wasn't feeling too great about it either. I missed the affection (as little as there was). I had friends behind my back who convinced me I could have that intimacy without commitment. So in my time of mourning, I preceded to perform a few actions to get over the breakup. Things most expected from the likes of Ludus's. I won't go into detail, but I'll just say that whatever you're thinking I did...it was at least 3 times worse and 4 times more satisfying.
From my experiences, I advise to do whatever it takes to get through a time of heartbreak AS LONG AS YOUR EX DOESN'T FIND OUT ABOUT IT!!!
Well one thing lead to another and she made me feel worse as an ex than she did as my girlfriend. Weeks later, she hooked up with some guy with strangely similar attributes to her previous ex. Relatively same style, similar aspirations, mutual interests and hobbies...you'd think that history would repeat itself, but NO!! They were the PERFECT F*CKING COUPLE!!! Which made me feel even WORSE about myself!! Like I was lower than dirt! I could be exactly the same as someone else but the unanimous preference would be towards the other person!! I fell into the deepest depression of my life. But some pretty kick-ass songs came out of it, so in a way, I'm kinda glad it all happened.
The defining moment of when it's over is when one has already moved onto another one. When the last to cross the finish line accepts it, things tend to work themselves out. I can't quite explain the sensibility behind it, but somehow my ex and I get along great now. We're far better off now than we were when we were together. It really shouldn't be humanly possible, but for the time being, my ex is like my best chick friend.
Piece of advice to any Libra's out there. Never date a Taurus.
I think this is more for the girls. Yes there usually is a part of me that wants them back but once its over you have to recognize that, and usually im the first to do just that.
ReplyDeleteKnowing that it is ending is hard sometimes unless your the unhappy one,and thats why i think its always the girl sitting and thinking what happend? and why? instead of just moving on with there lives. And getting back together after one person was obviously un happy is IMPOSSIBLE! there was a reason you broke up, theres no point in going back wards so move on!
Before I started dating the person that I am dating now, I dated someone for almost four years! The last two years of the relationship were considered long distance as I was here in Texas and he was in Wyoming after enlisting in the Air Force. We saw each other about 2-3 times a year and talked every day. I do not think the miles got in the way; I was able to handle communication via telephone and the little time I was able to see him, but eventually I found myself putting more effort into the relationship than he was. I told him and things did not seem to change and so I decided it would be best to end the relationship. It was extremely difficult because I felt it would be proper to end the relationship in person and I still wanted to be friends after it; neither happened…Because of the distance I had to end it over the phone (now that I think about it, it would have been horrible to end it in person because he would have spent money to come to SA to see me just to get broken up with) After all of that, he wanted to try to make effort but it was too little too late for me, we talked on and off for a long time but never in the intention of me getting back with him and NEVER with the intentions of him wanting to be my friend. In that long time, I met the amazing person that I am now with and that is where our relationship began The relationship was “over” to me because I was able with time to mentally and emotionally begin a new relationship. Even through the beginning of the new relationship my previous boyfriend kept trying to tell me that he was better than this guy. I don’t think it was actually “over over” for him until he believed that I was truly happier with someone new (again with the distance that wasn’t as easily visible or known because he was thousands of miles away) It was not until about 8 months into my new relationship that he decided to come from Wyoming back to Texas to visit friends and family. In that time we met up and discussed some things and he has since then stopped trying to rekindle the relationship and we are able to maintain friendly conversation every now and then. He still does not like me to mention the guy I am currently with but just likes to know that I am happy and well in life. It is still very apparent that he wants us to still be together but the effort for that has ceased.
ReplyDeleteI'm a guy's girl, I'm the girl that is one of the guys, I've been like this since I was in grade school. It wasn't always the best ways to make friends with the other girls, especially when you're always going out with their boyfriends but whatever. Anyways the one long committed relationship I was in was kinda of distant. He didn't go to my school so it bothered me when I was around other couples. Especially when I saw one of the guys that liked me with his girlfriend ont top of each other all of the time. But because we were so far apart, it meant the time we spent together was special. Anyways he was one of those guys in a band trying to live his dream, yes I'm actracted to the rockstar guys only some. When he went on tour we were still dating just long distance this really tested our relationship. But when he came back he changed and I knew it would be over when we took our "Break" a break is code for break up and you know this. I sugested we take a break till he got back form his next tour after my graduation, but I knew what I was suggesting even if he didn't. When he came back I was differnt I wanted new things he wanted the same old stuff. So we ended it. I knew it wasn't hard to let him go cause I forgot about him completely after we broke up. We never saw each other that often to begin with so I knew I would never really see him around. I think it was easier to get over it because we were so far from each other. When your really close you're obviously more attached, but spread out it was simple. I don't know it was easy for me probaably cause I'm heartless but it works for me. Anyways if you don't cry over the guy thats when i know its over and never really was that amazing.
ReplyDeleteIt's over when I say it's over. I never date a guy more than once so I never try to rekindle the flame because we obviously broke up for a reason to begin with. I don't feel the need to keep trying with something that just isn't going to work out for me in the end. It might sort of suck at first but I've never really had a problem with moving on. I think it's probably easier for guys to move on, but that has never been the case for me.
ReplyDeleteI once broke up with this guy that I was dating for awhile because he called me a bit*h in front of all his friends so I was not about to take that disrespect. Right then and there I broke up with him and I just saw the regret on his face. It was sudden and I was kinda sad that he would call me that but I got over it real quick. That immature bastard trashed my house a few days later, and that's when I realized that I didn't need him. I told his dad and he made him clean it all up, but when he came over to do it he was crying like a little baby because he had liked me so much and didn't want it to be over. Another reason why I got over it. Be a man geez. If you were man enough to call me a bit*h then you should be fine now. I moved on pretty quick. Went on a couple of dates but didn't officially date anyone. He took a little longer than I did. Always trying to text me and whatnot, but eventually found himself an ugly girlfriend.
We're friends now and kinda laugh about the whole situation, but I would never ever try to date him again.
It's hard to become "just friends" with someone that you were never friends with from the begining. My last relationship consisted of, "Hey, you're cute. Let's talk more.", "talking" for a few months, and then getting together. My current relationship also played out the same way. It's almost impossible for me to be "friends" with my ex because we dont know how to be friends. Moving on from an old relationship is difficult and should never be done by using someone else to get over your ex. You'll know when the right time is to move on and when its time to stop trying to rekindle the flame with this person, because either time would've gone by, or you'd have met someone new and you'd be happy. You wouldn't have a need for this other person anymore.
ReplyDeleteAfter a breakup it is pretty much impossible to be friends, unless you are given the right circumstances . But mostly, I don't become friends with exes. It's too hard, I mean when a relationship ends it ends for a reason. Sometimes, however, you can get past the arguments you had as a couple once you are no longer so involved with each other.
ReplyDeleteWhen your relationship with someone ends, its hard to "just be friends" with them. The two of you were together because you didn't want to be just friends in the first place, you wanted to be more. So i think its hard to rewind and go back to the ways used to be.
ReplyDeleteI think that you just have that feeling of knowing that the relationship is really really over. Someone might of finally moved on and thats what it took for the two to stop talking and trying. Every relationship is just different.
I think you should know it over for sure if either you or you're EX starts dating someone else . Or they just hook up with a lot people . You should know that your ready to move on when you start considering other people or you just don't wanna talk to your EX at all .
ReplyDeleteI think it all depends on the reason for the break up and who broke up with who.I have never been the type of girl that could be in a relationship for a long time ,I would date guys and eventually end up breaking up with them because I got bored.My longest relationship had been like a month and a half.So here comes this new guy and we had made it past 2months which was a big deal for me and he claimed to have already fallen in love with me, whatever, anyways I claimed I was in love with him too when I knew in my heart that I wasnt , so I thought it would just be easier to end things before I kept leading him on . For me it was over right then and there, and it just so happened that after I ended that relationship my current boyfriend came in the picture and he and I have been together for 7 months now, anyways this old boyfriend became very resentful towards me , he spread rumors about me and wouldnt talk to me even as a friend.I dont think he ever fully got over that, even to this day he still talks about the girl that played him. I honestly dont think he'll ever get over it until he finds someone else and falls in love again. I guess it also depends on the person and they way they deal with heartbreak. Some people never move on, and some people move on right away
ReplyDeleteFortunately, I have never had to experience this. I believe that things happen for a reason. Every one breaks up for a reason. People get back together for a reason. This experience is different for each person; it depends on the relationship dynamic and the people in that relationship. Once it's over, it may take one person longer to move on than the other; it all depends on how they were attached to their partner. It is all a touch and go process, step by step. Once you are meant to, you will move on and you will find peace, maybe with someone new.
ReplyDeleteFor me, most of my relationships, besides the one I am in now, were missing the whole friendship aspect to begin with. So you can imagine how tough it must have been to try and be "friends" afterwards. I didn't know it at the time, but I thought that I was so in love with a girl because of a strong foundation of our friendship that never existed. Having this mindset made it tough on me and breaking up with someone. Though our relationship was over, I still wanted to be together regardless of what kind of note we left off on. I was hoping that by some small chance they would find it in their heart to want to be back together.
ReplyDeleteEventually I learned that all this thinking and hoping was absolutely stupid and pointless once I realized that there was really no connection between us to begin with. We started a relationship just for the sake and right to say that we are in one. Don't get me wrong, I didn't obsess over EVERY relationship, just the ones I thought were gonna go somewhere. Obviously I was dead wrong. Once I had moved on a little bit I evaluated what kind of person they were and what kind of person I was and I understood why it was never meant to be. Doing this also helped me to determine that we would make horrible friends or even acquaintances. So in a nutshell that is pretty much why I don't keep any of my ex's around my life at all.
I personally don't know if I could say that things like that are even possible to have end dates. but relationships are never easy to just get over, or forget about. I think everyone is ready to move on from a previous relationship when they are in a new relationship, or maybe even just always being around great people that just give you that feeling like your fine not being with anyone. Everyone has their own way of moving on and getting back to their own lives with or without being in a relationship. when a relationship is completely done you'll know, when those fights become pointless, nothing ever gets solved, or you just don't even care about what each other is doing. you'll know when things are just completely not worth it anymore. People learn as they go, its all part of life.
ReplyDeleteDam Madison that's the deepest shiz I have ever heard you say!!
DeleteOnce I had a boyfriend whom I like very much. We were getting somewhat serious until, our different religious believes started to interfere in our relationship. We slowly started too drifted away, and decided to end it. I do not know how hard it was for him because I never talk or saw him again. Me on the other hand, I had a hard time getting over him. I met my husband not long after the relationship end it. Now I’m very happy the relationship with my ex-boyfriend end it. My husband is my best friend; we have a beautiful family together. If my relationship with my husband ever ends, I don’t think I can be friends with him. I would like to think that I would be civil with him, because we share history together and 3 children but I could never be friends with him. I don’t think that be friends with an ex is really the right thing to do; it can create conflicts with the new relationship.
ReplyDeleteI use to do the "let's just be friends" after we had ended the relationship, but I have come to the conclusion that being a friend of someone you loved and cared about is not a good idea. The reason why I think that its not a good idea is because I realized that once I have loved someone so hard, I won't be able to see them with someone else. Yea this friendship after a breakup used to work, but I realized in those relationships that I didn't try as hard, so we decided to be friends. I can now say that I am the type of guy who will say that once we are over we are really over, no matter how serious the relationship is. That's my opinion on the friendship after a breakup thing.
ReplyDeleteNow as for the questions, I don't think that their is a way of knowing when the relationship is over, just like how do you know you are in love? You just don't know. The only thing you do know is when the relationship is starting to fall apart. It's only you who knows if you want to save the relationship or not. I personally try to save what I have before it turns into had. Just like we talked about in class about the ways of saving a relationship, I use those techniques because they work! When the relationship is over you just know that that is it and you just have to end it before it gets worse. Like I said before, when you know its over you just know, just like when you're in love, you just know.
In my past experiences, I've never been friends with my ex boyfriends. It's not out of spite or jealousy, I just think its awkward. If you love someone, it's hard to stay friends with them because your always going to want more and sometimes it won't work. I think that you know when the relationship is over when there is a long period of no communication and when you feel like you've finally accepted it in your heart.
ReplyDeleteI think serious relationships are the toughest ones to get over. Every situation is different and if the relationship didn't matter there is probably no point in trying to rekindle anything. You're ready to move on the moment you just don't care enough to try to fix anything. Relationships are not at all black and white, there are too many gray areas.
ReplyDeleteThere is obviously a reason as to why you are breaking up with this person. You don't want to deal with that issue anymore. So its best to leave them for good! Delete the number and just forget about them. If you keep contact getting over that person is just going to take that much longer and rekindling the feelings is going to start once again, and your back to square one.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion i believe the relationship has NO way to get back together once you or the other person starts ignoring you or doesnt want you to talk to them, cause i've had that experience before when she would tell me "im too busy" "I have work" "I dont have time to see you today" whatever the excuse is once is starts to repeat a lot of times you better open your eyes and realize you have to let go cause there is no way she/he is putting any effort to make this better and thats when you get hurt. You try to do ALL you can but whatever you do might not change the way she feels about the relationship now. i dont think the feelings go away but i do think they lose interest on being in one and want someone else. Worst thing ever
ReplyDelete